Government Conspiracies
Does the government use bug repellent as a cloaking device?
Yes.
Why are stop signs red?
The color of stop signs and, indeed, the signs themselves, were invented by Communists to stop the progress of democracy. Whenever the Russian spies felt they were about to be cornered by the Americans, they would quickly post a stop sign, and since it was in English, the American servicepersons naturally thought it was posted by the government for their own protection and obeyed. The signs worked like a charm, allowing Russian spies to operate freely within our boarders without risk of capture. Although the American government hated Communism, the signs actually worked rather well at controlling traffic, and so they decided to leave them up until they came up with a better design. A think tank in Ben Wattenberg’s basement is still working on it.
Toys
Are action figures a choking hazard?
Parents are led to believe action figures are a choking hazard, so they will not buy them for their children, but the real reason for the warning label is to prevent children from gaining access to weapons of mass destruction.
Aaron Gershfield recently uncovered the horrible truth that action figures are really voodoo dolls, and that every day, children across America are destroying people’s lives. Several decades ago, the government tried to stop manufactures from producing the “toys,” but the business was too lucrative for corporations to ignore, so they lobbied against the ban. The government agreed to action figures’ continued market presence as long as the toys consisted of melt and rip-proof appendages and manufacturers placed a choking warning as a deterrent, but the label should read: “This is not a toy. Keep out of reach of children.”
Why is the King of Hearts the only suit to lack a mustache?
The King of Clubs, Spades, and Diamonds all have mustaches, but the King of Hearts does not because he represents love. In every deck, he is portrayed as the most compassionate and tender, as demonstrated by the hand over his heart. As the symbol of love and lovers, the King of Hearts must lack any features that would act as a barrier to love. Since women do not like mustaches because they scratch their soft faces, he must be the only suit without one.
Science
Why do the days get shorter in winter and longer in summer?
The answer to this question is so logical that Aaron Gershfield does not know why no one came up with it before. According to Boyle's law, cool contracts and heat expands, which irrefutably explains why the days are longer in summer than in winter.